From the Heart:
So Universe, Thank You

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When I was in Paris, I met up with my old chiropractor from San Diego, someone whom I had bonded with during many sports therapy sessions years ago, and whom I stayed in touch with over Facebook since leaving San Diego in 2011.  She was visiting Paris for her 40th birthday and after dinner and several glasses of wine we started talking about life – careers, friendships, experiences, relationships. She told me she wished she was in Paris with a partner to celebrate her milestone birthday (of course, everyone does!), but in turning 40 and looking back on the last decades of her life, she realized that the universe had always given her everything she had ever asked for, everything she had ever wanted – so while she didn’t have everything at that moment in time,  she knew everything was still coming, in time.  The universe is funny in so many ways. For one, I’d like to ask it why it brought us together at that moment, in Paris, after years of being apart, because I truly believe her wisdom, as someone a few years older than me, was exactly what I needed. And I always know when someone says something I’ve been needing to hear, because I tuck it away tightly in that special place I reserve for things of that nature, like a prescription for medication I need, but not immediately – soon enough though. I had my “soon enough though” moment last week, while driving down a street in Beverly Hills that I’ve driven down a million times, listening to a song I’ve probably listened to a million times, headed somewhere I’ve probably been a million times. Everything was the same, and yet I felt it – different. I knew it was time to stop everything going on outside, like pressing pause on life, and reach inside to retrieve her beautiful words. I knew it was time because I was feeling disgustingly happy for no reason at all really, and it was the kind of happiness I knew I needed to be grateful for. It always is that way when it comes on unexpectedly whilst going about the mundane tasks of living. And so I thought: The universe has always given me everything I’ve ever asked for. The universe has always given me everything I’ve ever wanted. The truest true. So I don’t have everything. Of course not! But I have so much more than any one person might reasonably expect. I can’t say it’s more than I’ve ever dreamed of having, because I always dream big. But still! And in all honesty, life isn’t all roses all the time. I have days when I feel like a shadow of darkness is chasing me, trying to envelope me, pull me back into sadness, break my spirit, again. But still! The universe has always given me everything I’ve ever asked for. The universe has always given me everything I’ve ever wanted. So universe, thank you. 

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From the Heart:
On Confidence

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Because of the necessity for a social media presence, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what makes some women likable and others unlikable, mostly because it’s very clear to me that when it comes to social media, I’m unlikable. In contemplating this topic, I’ve consequently spent a lot of time thinking about Beyonce and Kim Kardashian. Both women are undeniably beautiful. Interestingly, both have approximately the same number of followers on Instagram (around 35 million). The big difference between the two, from a social media standpoint, is that it seems many of Kim Kardashian’s followers don’t like her and follow her only to berate her and spew all kinds of unwarranted negativity at her. Beyonce, on the other hand, is arguably the most famous and well-liked female celebrity in the world. She can do no wrong. Everything she touches, everything she wears, everything she does, is celebrated. I wouldn’t for a second say it’s undeserving on her part. She clearly has worked hard her entire life to get to where she is and her talent is a force to be reckoned with. What gets me is why women can’t celebrate all women the way they celebrate Beyonce. Enter Kim Kardashian. Whatever moral implications surround her rise to fame, you only have to watch a few episodes of her reality television show to understand that she is incredibly business savvy and works very hard. Also, she seems to have a huge network of girlfriends – a telltale sign that she is a decent human at minimum, and likely, a very decent girlfriend. Generally, women with a lot of girlfriends (i.e., Taylor Swift) seem to be the type who bring other women up, instead of putting them down, who don’t succumb to jealousy, and who don’t see other women as a threat or competition. Which brings me back to my thoughts on the social media “likable” and “unlikeable.” I think women don’t like Kim Kardashian because she is unapolegetically confident – she loves herself. Her confidence is roaring loud and why not? Shouldn’t ours all be? Beyonce, on the other hand, has a quiet confidence, much like Taylor Swift and Lauren Conrad, who are also social media likable. So confidence comes in different forms, but why should women be so quick to dislike the most confident among us? What has Kim Kardashian ever done to anyone to deserve such outrageously offensive attacks every time she posts a picture on Instagram? And why are women so quick to speculate about what kinds of surgery she has had? Why can’t women accept that some women are breathtakingly beautiful – born that way – or have the most amazing bodies or physical assets without quickly writing them off as plastic surgery or an eating disorder? I love Kim Kardashian because I think there is nothing more beautiful than a woman loving herself – especially if she is the type who loves and supports other women as well. And I love her because she doesn’t shrink just to quiet the haters. My point is this. The best kind of women in the world are those who are confident enough to love themselves and also to love and support other women, without feeling threatened or competitive. I just finished a brilliant memoir about a woman from Darfur who suffered unimaginable atrocities as a result of her sex. I’ve read many books of this kind, telling stories of how women around the world are treated. As women, there are many fights we have yet to fight, many wrongs against us we have yet to right, many sisters and mothers and daughters we have yet to save from suffering. So to see women lashing out at other women in such a catty way is unbecoming and disheartening. We should be supporting one another and celebrating the strong and confident among us so that they remain strong and confident, and also stand as model for what we all should hope to become. Afterall, isn’t a strong, confident woman the best kind of woman?

 

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From the Heart:
New Year, New Life

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It’s been 8 years since I started my job as an attorney.  That means I’ve spent over 3000 days of my life doing a job I don’t love. Sure, there were days I enjoyed it, but even those were few and far between. And when I look back on the last quarter of my life, nothing about my career has been memorable. There will be no stories for my children or grandchildren. In the last year, it has become so draining that it almost physically hurts to be present – not because I hate it, but because there is something I love more than anything in the world, and every minute I spend being an attorney is a minute I can’t spend doing what I really love.  I feel the hurt in the pit of my soul – it started out as restlessness, which was tolerable. But as time went by, and my passion grew, there weren’t enough hours in the day to feed it, and so I started to feel hungry, starving even. So finally, after experiencing a series of unfortunate events at work, a few months ago I made the most important decision of my adult life – I decided it was time to feed my soul. To say that I’m frightened would be the understatement of understatements. I started law school at 22 – this world is the only world I’ve ever known. I don’t possess experience that will make the transition into another line of work easy. I don’t have the connections or the know how. Quite frankly, I have nothing. But also, at the same time, I have everything, because I have a love that I am absolutely certain has to become my life if I’m going to continue to exist in this world. I’ve had many successes as a lawyer. They came early for me, and often. Interestingly, what I remember most from the early ones, was not a sense of pride or accomplishment, but a feeling that they were mostly undeserved and I was simply fooling everyone. I know now there are many traits that make a good lawyer. I’m certain I don’t possess the most important ones. Thinking like a lawyer, for instance, has never come naturally to me. But because I write well, it has not been difficult to convince judges to adopt my position. You get to a point in life though, it seems, where its not enough to be able to make people believe you are good at something – you have to believe it yourself. And if you don’t, you start feeling defeated. I’ve felt defeated for a long time now, because I don’t know the answers, I don’t understand the strategy, I don’t think the way my colleagues think. And it’s the defeat of doing something you know in your heart you aren’t good at, coupled with the emptiness of doing something you know in your heart you don’t love, that makes life unfulfilling in a cold, dark, real way. The unknown is scary. I have no security. But the strange thing is, it feels warm, like I’m being pulled into the light. And if there is anything about life that I know, its that I’m most happy when I’m standing in the sun. Happy New Year, my lovelies. May 2015 be the year you make your dreams come true! xoxo

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This week I’m preparing for London and Stockholm, which is confusing in the sense that it is clearly summer here in LA, but not so much there. So I’m planning a spring/autumn wardrobe and hoping the temperature stays somewhere in the 70’s. And with packing and getting my life in order before I leave and putting in time at work, you’d think I would be distracted enough not to think about my heart and what’s weighing heavily on it – but I’m a feeler so no luck there. So if you catch me staring off into space smiling, its because of him.

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From the Closet:
Work Style

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J Crew skirt, shirt, necklace; Givenchy bag

I knew I would hate being a lawyer long before I started law school. Which actually makes sense since the decision to go to law school was made when I was 20 years old. And it was haphazard the way all decisions are when you are 20. “I think I’ll wear these Abercrombie track pants to class today. . . I think I’ll take a political science class next semester to mix things up. . .And maybe I’ll go to law school. . .I wonder if Paul messaged me on AIM. . .” It’s strange how sometimes once you make up your mind about something, regardless of whether you put much thought into it, you just start going through the motions. I went through the motions, starting with studying for the LSAT, which again I took much less seriously than I probably should have, missing important practice test days to go to fraternity formal in Palm Springs or cutting out of class early to go home and study for my real classes. But then one day you wake up, 12 years later in my case, and realize those early decisions changed your life in a way that might be positive, but might not. So I’m a lawyer now. And while I have never loved it, I don’t always hate it. At times, its stimulating. Other times, its cruel. But because its what consumes most of time, I thought I’d start a weekly outfit post of a different kind – my work style. Which isn’t as exciting as my weekend style. Which is something i definitely didn’t consider when I made the decision to go to law school. I mean, back then, I was running around in Abercrombie track pants.

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