A year ago yesterday, I left for Paris. At the time, everyone lauded me for my bravery. It takes immense courage to quit your job and embark on something new and different, they said. Strange how I didn’t feel brave at all. The decision was made on a whim and everything after that felt effortless. The pieces fell into place naturally, as if it was my destiny to be there, then. And it was!
Towards the end of my adventure, I felt a tiny bit nervous about returning home to a familiar life with a future unknown. Again, as if destiny were the theme of 2015, things worked out quite brilliantly and the transition back was smooth and pain free.
And that’s where my story took a turn for the worse. Not surprisingly, I felt the storm brewing in the last days of the year – I was anxious and not at all excited to say goodbye to what had been the absolute best year of my life. I had an inkling that what lay ahead would require the bravery that was generously bestowed upon me when least deserved.
It’s been a battle. Every day feels like a new fight. To get out of bed. To find the motivation to live out my true dreams. To make the day count. To make the year stand for something other than complete confusion. Inside I feel defeated. It feels like everything that gave me value in my past life has been stripped from me. I feel worthless. Which is a feeling I can just barely tolerate. What’s too much to bear most days is the sense that I’ve got myself so mixed up in this maze called life that I can’t find my way back to me. It’s like I’m stuck in a labyrinth in the dead of darkness and I’m waiting to see a glimmer of light. It’s been the longest night of my life, so it seems, but I’m still here. But what’s neverendingly beautiful in the midst of this delirium is that life isn’t going to make it easy for me by leading me back to my old self. That’s cheating, and every last one of us can do better than taking the shortcut to our becoming. I’ve got to pave my own way through this damn darkness and in the process I’m transforming into a better, stronger, braver me.