From the Heart:
New Year, New Life

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It’s been 8 years since I started my job as an attorney.  That means I’ve spent over 3000 days of my life doing a job I don’t love. Sure, there were days I enjoyed it, but even those were few and far between. And when I look back on the last quarter of my life, nothing about my career has been memorable. There will be no stories for my children or grandchildren. In the last year, it has become so draining that it almost physically hurts to be present – not because I hate it, but because there is something I love more than anything in the world, and every minute I spend being an attorney is a minute I can’t spend doing what I really love.  I feel the hurt in the pit of my soul – it started out as restlessness, which was tolerable. But as time went by, and my passion grew, there weren’t enough hours in the day to feed it, and so I started to feel hungry, starving even. So finally, after experiencing a series of unfortunate events at work, a few months ago I made the most important decision of my adult life – I decided it was time to feed my soul. To say that I’m frightened would be the understatement of understatements. I started law school at 22 – this world is the only world I’ve ever known. I don’t possess experience that will make the transition into another line of work easy. I don’t have the connections or the know how. Quite frankly, I have nothing. But also, at the same time, I have everything, because I have a love that I am absolutely certain has to become my life if I’m going to continue to exist in this world. I’ve had many successes as a lawyer. They came early for me, and often. Interestingly, what I remember most from the early ones, was not a sense of pride or accomplishment, but a feeling that they were mostly undeserved and I was simply fooling everyone. I know now there are many traits that make a good lawyer. I’m certain I don’t possess the most important ones. Thinking like a lawyer, for instance, has never come naturally to me. But because I write well, it has not been difficult to convince judges to adopt my position. You get to a point in life though, it seems, where its not enough to be able to make people believe you are good at something – you have to believe it yourself. And if you don’t, you start feeling defeated. I’ve felt defeated for a long time now, because I don’t know the answers, I don’t understand the strategy, I don’t think the way my colleagues think. And it’s the defeat of doing something you know in your heart you aren’t good at, coupled with the emptiness of doing something you know in your heart you don’t love, that makes life unfulfilling in a cold, dark, real way. The unknown is scary. I have no security. But the strange thing is, it feels warm, like I’m being pulled into the light. And if there is anything about life that I know, its that I’m most happy when I’m standing in the sun. Happy New Year, my lovelies. May 2015 be the year you make your dreams come true! xoxo

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